The Second Anniversary

“If you follow Chrissy Teigen her posts are going to rip your heart out😭 Made me think of you, especially this time of year😔”

I didn’t have to look to know what this meant. I had seen where Chrissy Teigen, a celebrity I do not know and will never probably meet, was having a difficult third pregnancy. That text could only mean she lost her baby about half way through her pregnancy.

September 11, 2020, was the second anniversary of when I lost a baby at almost 20 weeks pregnant. I lost my very first pregnancy nine years ago but losing a child so far along, was by far the most difficult thing I have survived.

The first anniversary I was pregnant and visited with friends. These were the same friends who pulled me through immediately after I had lost the baby. We celebrated together with lots of hugs and belly rubs. It was a joyous and happy.

This year was so much more difficult than the first. I’m not sure why it was so different. And I felt like I had no reason to be sad. I have a beautiful boy to hold and hug. Overall, my life is great.

This year, I had made similar plans to visit a friend out of town but had to cancel. Our dog died that morning. I tried so hard to keep it all together but I knew it

September 11, 2020, the second anniversary, I celebrated by drinking too much and sobbing uncontrollably until I fell asleep on the floor of my baby’s room. I was a mess. Luckily, my daughter thought I was just sad because our dog had died that morning. Her perfect little heart overlooked the two wine bottles in the garbage. My five-year-old son went to bed and didn’t see the worst of my meltdown. My husband did his best with flowers, checking on me and letting me do what I needed.

I shared this story with my friend who sent me the Chrissy Teigen text. She has also had a loss and knows the aftermath of feelings. She had a good reminder for me.

“People think that just because you have other kids you should just get over your other losses. And that’s completely untrue.”

She unknowingly validated my feelings. Grief is grief. It comes. It goes. It hits you when you least expect it. It grows and shrinks. Losing a baby is still a loss. It is worthy of a meltdown. I never held my child. But he was real. And even though I have a wonderful life and a beautiful 11 month old little boy to hold, it’s still ok to grieve and be sad. And while my coping skills might not be the healthiest, in the words of my friend, “we all deal with things differently and the great thing is you can cope with it however the heck you want!!!”

Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Hugs to all who are remembering their babies they cannot hold. May you too cope however the heck you want.