An Apology to My Oldest

You were my first. The one where I learned the most. By 2, you were so independent. You wanted to do everything yourself. I am still amazed at all the things you could do for yourself and how you wanted to do those things without my help.

When you were 3, your brother came. You were wonderful! So helpful and caring. As he has grown older and become the annoying little brother, you have become a little mom.

He is into everything and doesn’t give a moment’s piece. I am quite sure you have kept him from severely hurting himself a time or two. And even though he picks on you and drives you crazy, you still let him sleep on your bottom bunk because he doesn’t like sleeping alone.

I can’t count the number of times each day I am telling you to “wait” or “hold on” because I am doing something for your brother. At 4, he just doesn’t have the desire to be independent like you. And, maybe because he’s a boy and maybe it’s his personality, he doesn’t have any sense of fear, which means we are constantly on guard for what he will do next.

I look back on your younger days and “me do it” was your favorite phrase. How that drove me crazy sometimes! But you learned everything so quickly because of this. And now, at 7, you have become an amazing little person.

In some ways this works against you and I am sorry. I am sorry that being the oldest means that you often come second. I am sorry that you often have to play mom to your brother while we try to get simple things done. I am sorry for all the times I snapped at you…when exhaustion was high and my patience was low and you caught all my frustration. You didn’t deserve it. And with another boy on the way, I worry that all this will happen even more.

But I promise being the oldest will pay off. You were the first to go on a sleepover and the first to have a friend stay. You will get to take trips first and do so many things while your brothers have to sit out. I am the youngest and I remember being so jealous of all the things my sister got to do and I didn’t.

I promise that we try. We try to spend time with just you. We try to make your events extra special. We try to do little things to let you know you are important. We try to thank you and let you know how we couldn’t live without you.

We are not perfect but we love you. You make us proud every day. I am sorry that you have to wait for attention and “keep an eye out for your brother.” But if it makes you feel better, they say middle children are the most neglected so your brother is going to have it worse than you.