Replanting Myself

For Christmas, my son received a see-through planter where you can place 4 seeds and watch them grow. I was waiting till the spring when it would be warmer and sunnier before we started the project. Last week, my daughter insisted we go ahead and start the seeds.

Within a couple days, the seeds had sprouted and started growing roots. The shell of one of the seeds came off as the seed started to grow and my daughter accused my son of breaking the plant. As she was yelling at him, she touched the actual seed and broke it off from the root.

They both proceeded to have a meltdown, her from the guilt of actually breaking it and him because she broke his seed. I lectured on the importance of leaving it alone and sat it on the table out of reach.

The next day was actually sunny outside and I put the planter in direct sunlight. As the sun moved throughout the day, I moved the planter so it stayed sunny and warm all day. By the following day, the 4 seeds we had planted were all green, happy, and growing. The seed that had been broken from the root had grown 3 new roots that were sticking into the dirt.

When I showed it to the kids, Avery told me she had pushed the broken seed back in the dirt to try to save it. And it appears that she did.

Today is my due date. If you haven’t followed my story, on September 11, 19 weeks and 4 days pregnant, I went into the doctor and was told my son had no heartbeat. I thought I would be ok but last night, the sadness of this day hit me like a punch in the gut. There are no words to express the total sadness I have felt the last 24 hours. The overwhelming grief that has shadowed every step I have taken. It has been immobilizing. I have relived every moment from that day all over again.

I have experienced grief with the loss of grandparents, pets, another miscarriage and the unexpected loss of my father. Each loss has been different and each one affected me differently. By far, this has been the hardest because there are no answers. Why does a perfectly healthy baby who passed all the genetic tests stop growing? Why me?

On my due date, a day that looks so very different than what I had imagined, I am replanting myself. My root may have been broken but I have 3 roots to keep me grounded. My husband, who may not be able to fix things for me but encourages me to do what I feel is right for me. And my two children who make every day sunny and warm even if it’s single digits outside and they are fighting like cats and dogs. I am going to have a little fun today, take a quick road trip and try not to think too much. I would love to hide in bed all day and while it may be easier, I know getting my ass up and doing something is what will ultimately help me move forward.

On a side note: I am so grateful to my friends and family who have checked on me. There is nothing better than hearing from you and knowing I am loved. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.