I’m Not Okay, and That’s Okay

If you have read some of my previous posts, you know I am pretty obsessed with The Five Second Rule by Mel Robbins. In the book, she talks about not starting your day by checking social media. I didn’t take that advice yesterday and I regretted it.

The first thing I saw was an image that said October was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (punch in the gut). The next was a picture of a friend and her adorable baby belly at (you guessed it) 19 weeks (here comes the tears).

I had been all in my feelings since Saturday when I dropped my daughter and husband at the airport for a trip out west. It was very emotional to say goodbye. Afterwards, I took my son to an indoor play park where I found myself trapped with a cute little pregnant woman and her 2 kids. Everytime I would run into the lady, which was a lot, I would tear up but kept it together. For some reason, yesterday, I hit my limit and the tears flowed.

I made it through work and came home to paint Avery’s room for her birthday.

Bad decision. Too much time to think. Too many times I walked past an empty bedroom that was supposed to be my son’s. I hadn’t cried that hard since I first heard that I had lost the baby.

I picked my son up from school and had a small breakdown in the office. (I basically ran away from a couple people who were asking how I was). Luckily, I had dinner plans with a good friend who didn’t mind if my son ran wild in her house while I cried at her kitchen table.

So, I cried at her kitchen table and my son ran wild around her house.

Then, I came home and cried some more.

Today, I felt better and I had lunch with a dear friend who has suffered miscarriages and fertility issues. I had barely said “hello” before I started crying again. But she understood. Each loss, no matter how far along you were or how many you have lost, leaves a hole in your heart that never gets filled.

A friend called today to check on me and I told her that I didn’t know where this was coming from and I feel like I have taken three steps back. She reminded me that it’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to be fine one day and a mess the next. 

I tell people a lot that I am okay. And, for the most part, I am. But yesterday I was not okay. And that’s okay. Because I will be. If this process has taught me anything, it’s how damn lucky I am to be surrounded by people who love me and support me the way I am, okay or not.