Let Them Love You

I want to be on my couch or in my bed. I want to hide and feel sorry for myself and avoid all human contact. I don’t want to have to look anyone in the eye and see the pity.

Upon learning that I had lost my son at 19 weeks, the midwife told me to “let them love on you.” Let your family and friends love on you, support you, and let them get you through this.

Not easy for a person who doesn’t like to ask for help or admit when she needs it.

But my daughter loved all over me. It might have been more out of her need than mine but it was warm, fuzzy, and felt good. I curled up with my husband, stayed up late, and watched a movie. This is something we don’t get to do very often because, well, kids. I took the help from a dear friend who helped with the kids. And I rebooked a flight for a girls/work trip, packed my bags, and I’m going to be loved on by my friends and family in New Orleans. This, by far, was the hardest way to be loved on. I will actually have to face people and be loved on. No more hiding.

When I announced what happened, I wasn’t sure what to do or how to say it. But a friend told me to tell my story. I was hesitant but I knew I wasn’t the only person who lost a baby in the second trimester and felt like sharing my story would give others the chance to share theirs. 

I have been overwhelmed by the number of people who have reached out to “love on me.” I am still trying to go through all the messages. If I have responded and it didn’t make sense, I know you will understand. And if I haven’t responded yet, please understand that too. Sometimes I go to type a reply and start crying and can’t do it. 

Right before boarding the plane, I noticed a guy feeding a little bird in the terminal. It put a smile of my face to see this happy little bird in a place she shouldn’t have been with a fellow discreetly slipping her crackers. Maybe I can be like this bird; trapped in a place I didn’t intend to be but making the best of it. And letting my friends slip me pieces of cracker and “loving me” through until I can do it on my own.